I heard you this morning.
I heard you putting on your shoes because it’s time for your morning walk. I heard the kettle boiling, then I heard you sipping your favorite coffee. I heard you playing your guitar, singing along to Leader of the Band. Then you called your friends to come over, and together you laughed until things went out of hand.
I felt you last night.
You covered me with my blanket since I slept in my shorts. You whispered in my ears, telling me you got another trivia saved for tomorrow. I felt you kissed my forehead, telling me sleep tight, no one can harm me.
I saw you the other day.
You pulled out our favorite book. You made me read the History of America again, though I still need to cook. I saw you opened the fridge, and you secretly took out a chocolate bar though you have diabetes. You still ate it though, while sitting under the trees.
It’s been a long time since then.
I grew pretty fast without you. I’ve been so caught up in my own self-sulking, I did not bother to look at you and see how you’re hurting. Tell me, do you think it’s easy? Do you think its fun to distrust people? Do you think it’s good to know that you cannot step out of this bubble because people will hurt you? People will lie to you? How can I even make a fresh start, when I’m still hurting since you broke my heart?
Few months ago, I stand beside your hospital bed.
I look at you and I see the man that I loved. I look at you and I remember how much you loved me. I look at you and I tell myself this isn’t true. I wanted to scold myself because all this time I wanted to be like you. You’re someone who was able to admit your mistakes, someone who showed me how to be sorry, you showed me how to love unconditionally.
You left me.
This time it’s for real. This time I know you will never come back to me.
I always imagine what it would feel like if I have the power to change things.
How awesome it would be if I can turn back time, if can right all my mistakes. If I only could, I would bring you back. I’ll change those little mistakes when I said I’m tired of you. I’ll change how I felt, when I’m so mad at you. I’ll take back what I said, and I’ll say “Dad, I love you”.
If people can just change all their mistakes, maybe people would live a better life. But if we could, then there will be no room for acceptance and learning. We will be free to commit the same mistakes over and over again, because we know that later on we can go back and change it. I choose to live my life. Not to change anything, but to learn everything.
You said I have to be brave.
You said I should not be afraid.
This is what you told me, remember?
“Go on! Do not look back, child, I’m here, and I got your back.”